Co-parenting after a toxic relationship can feel like walking a tightrope. Even after the breakup, the emotional residue often lingers—miscommunication, fear of retaliation, and the constant pressure to protect your children from emotional harm. One of the hardest moments? When your child doesn’t want to include the other parent in a major life event.

Recently, I found myself in this exact situation. My child had been preparing for a school theatre performance for weeks. This was something special—something they were proud of. But when we talked about who they wanted to invite, they told me they didn’t want their other parent there.

This wasn’t about a petty disagreement. It came from a deeper place—years of emotional discomfort, manipulation, and a lack of real connection. Children are intuitive. Even if they don’t fully understand the dynamics of a toxic relationship, they feel the tension, the emotional instability, the fear of being judged or punished for expressing their true feelings.

And suddenly, I was stuck in a classic co-parenting trap:

• Do I respect my child’s boundaries and support their decision?
• Or do I risk upsetting the other parent by not informing them of the event—potentially fueling more conflict and accusations?

To make things even more complicated, the other parent wasn’t involved in the activity at all. They didn’t pay for it, didn’t ask about it, and wouldn’t even know it was happening unless I said something.

In the end, I chose to stay discreet.

I communicated only what was necessary—that I would be taking the child on the agreed date, and that we might return later due to a special event. I left space for my child to decide what they wanted to share. I kept the door open, but I didn’t force it.

This is what co-parenting after a toxic relationship looks like: constant emotional calculations, shielding your kids while trying to avoid unnecessary battles.

What This Teaches Us About Co-Parenting and Toxic Dynamics

• Children notice everything. If one parent consistently fails to show up emotionally, kids will eventually distance themselves—even from a biological parent.
• Boundaries are essential. When you’re dealing with a toxic co-parent, you need to respect your child’s comfort zones while staying legally and ethically grounded.
• You can’t fix everything. It’s not your job to repair the relationship between your child and their other parent. Your job is to listen, protect, and support.

Key Takeaways for Parents in Similar Situations

1. Listen to your child. They may not have the words, but their actions often speak louder.
2. Document everything. Especially when dealing with manipulative or narcissistic ex-partners. Dates, agreements, and communication records can become critical later.
3. Avoid triangulation. Don’t speak for your child or force them to manage the adult relationship dynamic. Give them space.
4. Stay calm and neutral. Toxic individuals often thrive on conflict. Choose calm clarity over emotional reaction.

Co-parenting is hard. Co-parenting with someone toxic is even harder. But your child’s emotional safety is worth every ounce of effort.

If you’ve ever had to navigate moments like these, know this: you’re not alone. And you’re doing better than you think.